How would you cope if your child yelled “I hate you, you’re not my real Mum!”
That was one of the topics for discussion at our adoption preparation course, which we attended a lifetime ago.
If only it were that simple.
Instead we get constant refusal to do anything we suggest. Even if it is something nice, such as,“do you want cocoa pops for breakfast?” the answer will invariably be, “no”, because Winnie didn’t suggest it.
We are treated to hitting, deliberate wetting and currently self-induced vomiting on a daily basis. And everything is a battle. Winnie will literally argue that black is white.
They didn’t tell us about any of this at prep classes!
So by the end of the day I am left feeling as cross and confused as she is.
The difference however, is that I have no problem off-loading. I can talk things through with my long suffering husband, friends and family. I have the ability to process and understand my emotions and actions, which I must confess are probably not always as rational as they should be. A good chat, washed down with a glass of Sauvignon or a chunk of chocolate does the world of good. I can go to bed, get up the next day and generally cope with whatever is thrown at me.
Winnie cannot do this. She does not understand the emotions and fears that are bubbling up inside her. She cannot process the rejection and trauma she has experienced in her very short life. She has no idea how to verbalise her feelings. Until she does we are quite helpless.
Four years of providing a secure and loving environment with firm boundaries and constant reassurance that we will always be here and will always love her (even if she does vomit on her dinner plate) have not done the trick.
I have never been so consistent in my life! As many of you will know and understand, it is exhausting.
So a few simple words, such as “I hate you because you are not my birth mother” would signify a major breakthrough. Those few words would be music to my ears.