Coffees drunk: 6 (At least four of these before 8am)
Cakes eaten: 2
Hissy Fits witnessed (ignored/dealt with): 5 (3 before 8am)
Chocolate bars consumed: 1
Glasses of wine drunk: 0.5 (asleep on the sofa by 9pm)
Time spent lurking on social media sites: far too long (must wean myself off!)
Poos cleaned up: 5
Awoken from a very deep slumber by Baby Boy grizzling, demanding to be picked up immediately.
6.30 – 8am
I stumble around automatically carrying out the morning routine of breakfast and lunch making, last minute school uniform ironing and scrambling around looking for the missing permission slip that needs completing for today’s activity.
All this is done to the daily background of white noise. Winnie Whirlwind refusing to: get dressed; put her shoes on; clean her teeth; have her hair done; put her coat on. “That’s fine I say, but you will be a bit cold on the way to school!”
This is accompanied by Sammy Skateboard telling Winnie to shut-up (he doesn’t like to communicate before midday) and Baby Billy screeching loudly from his highchair just to make sure we all know he is still there.
Meanwhile the dog is barking loudly, triggered by the yapping of a shitsu two doors down and the 17 year old cat takes the opportunity to sneak off and deposit a poo by the front door (he has given up going outside).
I flick the kettle on for the fourth time.
A temporary calm descends. Sammy has left to catch his bus and Winnie has been picked up by school transport. And relax!
No chance, Baby Billy wants to play (he finally has me to himself), last night’s dinner debris needs sorting, the dog’s muddy paw prints need cleaning up and the washing mountain needs to be tackled (we need clean clothes for our upcoming weekend away).
I flick the kettle on and eat cake, check Facebook and Twitter.
Billy and I are sitting in the foyer of Winnie’s school waiting to collect her for her weekly CAMHS appointment. Her teacher approaches with ‘that face’. You know the one – the “your child has done something wrong” face!
“I’m afraid your darling daughter has bitten another child. She then threw things at the grown-ups and had to be physically escorted to one of the quiet spaces by two adults. She is just calming down and will be with you shortly!”
When questioned later Winnie’s version of the story was “they were all being mean!”
As we walk in to our weekly CAMHS session Baby Billy does a poo. This happens every week without fail, filling the room with a pungent fragrance for the entire session. We all ignore the stench and continue with the session as Winnie leaps around, squeaks, screams, roars, breaks things and issues demands to the therapist.
We head home where we are greeted by a liquid cat poo on the sofa.
Sammy Skateboard returns home and takes over the kitchen making an invisible infra-red face mask, using a pair of sunglasses, led lights and a soldering iron.
Luckily today was one of those rare occasions when I managed to put something in the slow cooker before I left the house. I even remembered to turn it on! I had a premonition in the morning that I would need to shovel food in to the younger children and get them in to bed ASAP.
Winnie and Billy are in bed and quiet! Result! Bad mother, speedy bedtime routine complete.
Husband Eddie arrives home. After offloading his road rage feelings, he makes the mistake of asking how my day has gone?!
Finally sit down and relax with Eddie, the TV remote and a medicinal glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Promptly fall asleep!
Note to self: Tomorrow I will stay awake and do all those things I want to do in the evening! And I will not shout at any of my children or the animals!